FAIL

I sit here writing from a sticky bun induced sugar high, my WHOLE 30 was a FAIL. More like I failed at it, I lasted a week and caved at a family party where I was presented with smoked brisket soaked in sugar laced bbq sauce and expensive red wine. I sincerely hate being the kind of person who says they are going to do something and then does not have the will power to complete the task.

I want this to be a space where I can be truthful and real and so here it is, I failed at something I really wanted to do and I’m disappointed in myself but the world didn’t end. I had the best intentions to resume the program after my little food vacation but my Aunt Flow showed her ugly face the very next morning and for the sake of my marriage I continued to indulge in complex carbs and sugar. Now my birthday is coming up and I don’t want to be on a super strict diet because I’m planning on going out to a decadent dinner and eating and drinking too much. Perhaps I will try again in the Fall.

Until I’m ready to try again I keep consoling myself with cliche sayings like, Life is too short to deprive yourself of simple pleasures. So far it’s working for me, I’m glad I can learn from these failures, they humble me and show me that I still have lot’s of work to do in becoming stronger mentally and just becoming the woman I want to be. Until next time!

When going gluten free isn’t enough

I’ve struggled with digestive issues since I was a teenager. Specifically the issue that seems most embarrassing and people don’t like to talk about diarrhea. I would have it daily, often multiple times a day. It was my normal and I managed to work my life around it, without giving it too much thought. It was often an embarrassing inconvenience, for example my husband and I would go out to dinner and plan to go to a movie after but we wouldn’t make it to the movie because immediately after dinner I would have to use the bathroom. About four years ago in the midst of all the infertility stuff, on one of my symptom googling binges I came across information about celiacs and infertility. A lot of my symptoms matched up so I went to be tested.

I didn’t have celiacs, at that time I would have been happy to have a name and reason for my symptoms. The tests said no but I decided to “go gluten free” to see if it helped anything. I found that initially my diarrhea went away and it was such a relief. I felt normal for the first time in a long time. I have diligently kept my diet gluten free for the past four years. I don’t cheat or go off it, it doesn’t feel like a choice to make anymore, it’s simply become a way of life. With that being said I have been accidentally “gluten-ed” during that time and one brave time I decided to try some pasta and it only proved to me that going without gluten was the only way for me to stay symptom free.

This diet has been successful for me over the past few years. I have noticed more recently that I am still getting bouts of diarrhea, despite keeping gluten free. I’m starting to feel like being gluten free is simply not enough, my body is still negatively reacting to some part of my diet.

After some more internet symptom searching, I discovered something called FODMAP’s. It’s a slightly confusing concept that has to do with carbohydrates and how they digest in the body. Carbohydrate’s are not just in items containing gluten like bread and pasta or even gluten free versions of these items, they are in VEGETABLES too! This is probably a big DUH to most of you. I am obviously surprised to find that trying to eat healthy, aka lot’s of veggies in my diet could potentially be the culprit causing my ongoing diarrhea. There are LOW FODMAP foods and HIGH FODMAP foods. What do you know? My diet has been heavily saturated with foods such as dairy, beans, garlic, onions, honey. Those are all foods they say to avoid completely when dealing with FODMAPS.  Foods they say to limit include broccoli, brussel sprouts, avocado, and sweet potatoes! Those are my go to healthy meal side dishes! This whole FODMAP concept has totally rocked my world to say the least. Now I have to avoid gluten and most of my favorite vegetables, what the heck am I going to eat?!

This has brought me to finding a program called WHOLE 30. This is not a new diet fad or concept, a lot of bloggers have tried it and talked about it. That’s actually how I heard about it! The program looks like it might be a great reset button for me and my husbands diets. The variation I’m planning on making to the program is only including LOW FODMAP fruits and vegetables for myself. From the initial research I’ve done and the approved food lists I have made this is going to be a VERY limited diet. My husband is on board to give it a try so that will be a wonderful support system to have because I have a feeling it is going to be rough.

This weekend we will eat all our dairy, drink all our (my) wine (alcohol isn’t allowed in the program) and then food shop and prep Sunday to start our WHOLE 30 on Monday. Has anyone else tried to do a WHOLE 30? Any suggestions or tips? Also has anyone else heard of FODMAPS and had success switching to LOW FODMAP foods? I kind of feel like the whole concept is kind of new, like gluten was a few years ago. I’m super excited and hopeful that the next 30 days will help my body get back to normal digestion and if I happen to drop a few pounds along the way I won’t be mad!

 

Dogs are NOT babies

 

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I will start this post by saying my husband and I both have pet allergies. He is severely allergic to cats and I’m mildly allergic to pet dander, whatever that is. We talked very early on even before marriage about pet’s and if they would have a place in our family. Our decision was that we would not be pet owners , due to the allergies and just general dislike of animal fur around the house, and how they can be fairly restrictive to your lifestyle as far as traveling, even short weekends away.

It had been suggested to me a year or two into our fertility journey that maybe we should get a puppy. I quickly explained that a puppy is NOT a baby. I didn’t want a dog, I wanted a baby and a dog was not going to replace that want. I am well aware that dogs bring many people lots of joy and love.

My husband grew up with out door dogs and I grew up with a small in door dog. My dog caused a lot of stress on my parent’s marriage. He was quite naughty and towards the end of our time with him he was diagnosed as mentally unstable due to his behaviors and had to be put down. My experience with dogs so far has not lead me to identify as a “dog person.”  

I had accepted being pet less as we focused on our fertility treatments because at that point I was still going to get my baby, or so I thought. Lately however I do feel myself being drawn towards and craving the companionship and love that a dog might be able to offer us now that our baby plans have changed. I work from home and it can be quite lonely to be home alone all day without any other living thing to talk to or snuggle with or just be around.

My husband is still completely against bringing a pet into our home. His argument is that we already decided years ago never to have pets. My counter to that is that we also decided years ago to have children. Those plans have changed and therefore I think we need to grow and adapt and not pigeon hold ourselves to a decision we made almost ten years ago when our reality since then has completely changed.

I do have fears that I wouldn’t be a good pet owner because I don’t always like other peoples dogs even when they are well behaved. I have always said I didn’t want a dog because essentially they never grow up. You will always have to feed them, give them water, walk them, and clean up there poop. I do not envy the dog walkers I see carrying big plastic bags of feces on what looks like an otherwise nice walk around the neighborhood. Eventually babies grow up and become independent people, dog’s never do. That is why I have never seen them as a logical replacement for one another. It’s not like, can’t have a baby , get a dog, easy fix, they are two completely different and unrelated life choices.

I guess what has changed for me is that I would like to have some companionship around the house during the day so I’m not so lonely. I don’t think hubby really gets how isolating it is and I really think a small furry friend could be the cure. I also don’t want to rock the boat by pushing and pushing the issue and them him finally caving and then we get a dog and it’s a total nightmare barking, pooping and peeing all over the house and smelling it up and he is really unhappy. I do tend to put his happiness and comfort before my own as a habit. Perhaps this is important enough that I need to advocate for my own happiness.

I have done a little research and I think the best fit of a dog for my situation and our small home would be a french bull dog. We really need the least shedding option and a breed that is small to medium but not hyper. I really just want a buddy to love and hang out with all day and keep me company. Any dog owners out there have suggestions of other breeds that might be a good fit for our family? Also anyone have thought’s on dogs vs. babies? Have other people with infertility had people suggest a puppy as a quick fix? I can’t wait to hear your responses this topic has been on my mind a lot lately and I’m interested to hear what other’s think!

 

Why don’t you adopt?

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My husband and I have been fielding this question from people since our very first miscarriage. The truth is I have felt like I could adopt or be happy with an unconventional family since before I met my husband. Turns out once your married these types of life choices are not singular they are something you have to agree on with your partner. My hubby is not on board. He is either happy having biological children if it happens or not, either we have biological children by the grace of God or we continue to live happily ever after without kids. When you actually start to look into the process of adoption or fostering more roadblocks come up than you can imagine and it becomes a scary road to go down. At least for us it did and that is why we decided it would not be a good fit for us to try and pursue.

I feel selfish saying that we are too sensitive to agree to bring a child into our home that we might have to let leave or we might have to share with birth parents. It sounds like an easy option to people to don’t have to consider it as a serious option but for us it’s not something we think would be a good fit for us. Even five years into this journey we are still not ready to endure the possible heartbreak that could come along with fostering or adopting. How do you feel about fostering and adopting as an option when you have been dealing with infertility for several years?

Hello!

I’m excited to be starting my very own blog! This is hopefully going to be a space where I can share my vast knowledge of infertility, vent about life, and share things I’m learning and working on at home. I am an aspiring minimalist and money saver. I have a deep love for baby names, I’m an essential oil user, and a pintrest addict, and wine enthusiast. I am on a quest to live a happy healthy life,I always have the best of intentions even when things don’t go as planned.