Mid Cycle Mood

Cycle update, I’ve been on my stimulation shots for 5 days now. I had my first monitoring appointment yesterday morning. I have two measurable follicles right now, hoping maybe one more pops by my appointment by tomorrow. The Dr. upped my Follistim from 375 to 450 so maybe that will make a difference. I can’t help but be disappointed by only having two follicles, even in the cycle when we only got three eggs I had 6 follicles showing at my monitoring appointments just 3 of them ended up being empty. I guess my fear is that with only two follicles growing what if one or both end up being empty! I’m also worried that the cycle will end up being cancelled due to my poor response. I’ve had a few minor meltdowns the past few days, I blamed “hormones” but I suspect they are more rooted in fear of this cycle being a flop and what that means for our future than anything else. Retrieval is tentatively set for next week so I just keep telling myself to get through the next week and then one way or another we will have our answers. One thing I am sure of is that this will be my last attempt at growing my own eggs, my ovaries lack of performance is too depressing to keep giving myself 4-5 shots everyday and seeing little to no progress. I will be relieved when this cycle is over, whatever the outcome ends up being. the way things are going I’m anticipating having to grieve the loss of my own fertility and being able to use my own eggs. I’m trying to hang on to hope but it’s hard, I’m trying to remind myself give it to God and have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I’m thankful for my friends and families support through this cycle. Sharing with people about what I’m going through has made me feel less isolated this time around and for that I’m grateful. They make me feel like no matter what it’s going to be okay so for now that’s what I’m choosing to believe.

Day one

Today I start my first lupron shot of this cycle! So grateful for my hubby who took off work to drive me through a snow storm to get to my blood work and ultrasound appointment. Everything was pretty basic except at this new clinic I was supposed to print off my own blood work lab script and bring it with me because this is a satellite office of the main clinic. I’ve never had to do that before and even though the nurse told me about it it was weeks ago and since then I had to deal with getting meds delivered and it completely slipped my mind. My nurse was at the main office today and the receptionist at the office basically said too bad this is your problem not ours. So my extremely patient husband drove me after after the ultrasound to print the script then took me back out to a lab a little closer to us to get my blood draw. I was a crying the whole way home in the car from the ultrasound a mixture of wacked out hormones from being on and off the birth control pill this week and guilt that my husband had to miss work to drive me around like miss daisy because the weather was bad and apparently i was emotionally too fragile. Once we got home for good he stayed with me and worked from home to keep me company and I ended up taking a much needed nap to reset. I can’t tell you how lucky I feel that he was so patient and sensitive to what I know was a complete overreaction. He was truly been a man of his word and put me and this cycle and doctors appointments ahead of anything else. I feel so supported by him and like we are really in it together this time. It feels really wonderful and I’m very grateful for my husband who knew exactly what I needed today and didn’t hesitate to put me first.

New Year New Life

We always start the New Year with best intentions of having a better year than the previous one. This is especially true for me and my family this year after all the stress, sadness, and loss we went through. However, I entered the new year still grieving the losses of my Aunt and Cousin and I didn’t much feel like jumping on the New Year new me band wagon. I felt like New Year, same me. This mindset is slowly changing and I’m starting to feel a little bit lighter emotionally. I’m not sure if it’s the sun coming out a few days in a row that has changed my mood or that I have been making intentional changes to actually feel better. So even though I’m a little late and we are already a few weeks into the New Year I do finally feel ready to jump on the New Year new me bandwagon!

First things first I’m making an effort to let go of things that I cannot control. I can control my reaction to these things and that makes the difference between it being a catastrophe and a bump in the road. This was tested when we had our insurance company requesting piles of medical records in order to clear us for our new cycle which was supposed to start LAST weekend. Thanks to insurance being sticklers my cycle got delayed by over two weeks and I had to have another period and start a new pack of birth control pills wahhhhh. I was NOT happy about any of this and in previous cycles or just before in life this could have ruined my day or my week and my attitude. Instead I told myself that these things happen and in the grand scheme of things a delay of two weeks is nothing and I reminded myself to be grateful that insurance covers almost all of our IVF costs so the wait is well worth it. I was able to say well that sucks but overall I’m really lucky and this is not a big deal and MOVE ON. I’ll tell you what, it was pretty awesome not holding on to the anger and just kind of accepting it. I feel FREE, that is the only way to describe it. I guess you can only read so many inspirational MEME’s on pintrest before your mind just starts repeating them to you in situations where they are helpful!

Hubby and I also decided to lose weight and really do it this time. We enlisted the heIp of a nutritionist and he set us up with meal plans and we started today! We are excited to be doing it together and very motivated for health reasons for both of us. I know it’s kind of crazy to try and lose weight during a cycle because the hormones can kind of screw with things but I’m willing to take the chance. If things go well as they should we won’t be doing a transfer this cycle we will be sending the embryos out for PGS ( genetic screening) so I think trying to get healthy is going to be a good thing for me to focus on as we go through this because there’s going to be a lot more waiting. Instead of taking my anxiety out on a bag of chips or carton of ice cream and then feel terrible about myself and our situation, I’d rather exert the control I have over eating healthy and working out. We both have good reasons for wanting to make this change and I think if we stick together we can really do it and make it a lifestyle, you have to start somewhere.

We had our appointment with the doctor to go over potentially using cousin A’s eggs in the future as a plan B in case things don’t go our way this cycle. She came with us and met the doctor, she was a total rock star and very comfortable answering all of the Doctors questions, I’m already forever indebted to her just for considering doing this for us and showing up to the doctor appointment. It’s such a relief to me to have this as an option if things don’t work with my eggs. The worst part for me after an IVF failure was where do we go from here and what do we change next time in order to give us a better chance. In this case we already know that if this doesn’t work than next time we will use donor eggs, hopefully Cousin A’s if we got that far and she got medically cleared but we are still open to anonymous eggs if for whatever reason it doesn’t work out with A. It takes a layer of stress and doubt away to already have a plan in place and know we would just have to execute it. Overall it was a great appointment and we all left feeling good about it.

So to wrap up, instead of doing New Year new me, we are doing New Year, new life. We have been complacent for years and we are finally making the kind of changes that can actually result in a new life. At the end of last year we moved, now we are getting healthy, trying to have a baby, and being intentional everyday. I’m not perfect but for the first time in a long time I do feel like I’m doing everything I can to be the best possible version of myself. We have an exciting year ahead of us! For the first time in a long time we are filled with hope, hope for lot’s of positive things to happen, we also hope to have the ability to take the negatives that are bound to come for what they are, react accordingly, let go of what we can’t control and move forward with light hearts!