Busy week

I spent the entire week after Christmas trying to get all of my previous cycle records to my new clinic so I can get insurance clearance for our January cycle. As the reports came in I reviewed them and I started to feel sad looking back at the dates and how long ago they were and how young and naive I was when I was going through those cycles, blindly trusting the doctors simply because they were doctors. I felt far more emotional than I would have thought but apparently I still have some healing to do from those past failed cycles. Hopefully I can clear some of that negativity before I start this new cycle.

I spoke with my nurse and we are going to be doing a microdose lupron flare cycle which I have never done before so I’m relieved to be trying something different. It also means lower doses of lupron which I’m happy about because I think the side effects of that drug are some of my least favorite so less is better! I’m starting to get antsy and anxious to start this cycle. Looking at my records today I realized I haven’t had an egg retrieval since 2014 which is a really long time! So with the new protocol and it having been so long since our last cycle I’m really interested to see how I respond to stims this time and see how we do overall. I’m ready to get the show on the road!

Update with the Dr.

Today we had our meeting with the Dr. to go over all the blood work he did and go over our options and make a plan. He is still Dr. Wonderful as far as hubby and I are concerned. He is very open, he has a big heart, and his honesty is totally refreshing. He really seems to understand that we have already been through so much and he genuinely doesn’t want to put us through any unnecessary stress or heartbreak. He said the updated blood and sono don’t show anything surprising they all point to me having an egg issue of quantity and quality. He outlined our options as follows.

A: Stop any and all treatments and adopt.

B: Try a micro lupron stimulation IVF cycle

C: Use donor eggs

I already started the pill at the beginning of my last cycle in preparation for a January IVF cycle and retrieval and so we are moving ahead with option B and trying the Micro lupron cycle. It is a type of stimulation that we haven’t tried before so fingers crossed I respond well to it! He did say that if I don’t respond well and it doesn’t look like we will get more than a few eggs he may cancel the cycle so be prepared for it to be a kind of fluid cycle where things can change depending on progress. If all goes well and we get a enough eggs and make some embryos depending on how they grow and how many we will either do a day 3 fresh transfer, so I will be on progesterone post retrieval just in case or we will let them grow to blastocysts freeze and do PGS then a subsequent FET. We are hopeful that even if we don’t get enough eggs and embryos to try to grow to blasts that we at least get enough to put back one or two on day 3 and complete the cycle beginning to end.

We talked to him about Cousin A and how if our January IVF cycle doesn’t pan out or ends up with negative results that we would be ready to move on to donor eggs. He suggested that we schedule a sit down informational appointment with him and all of us so he can give her the down low on the actual process and whats involved. He thinks it would be a good idea to do this in the next couple of weeks so that she has plenty of time to think it over once she has all the information and doesn’t feel any type of pressure or obligation to go through with it. We told him if she changes her mind which could very well happen then we would be willing to use frozen eggs from the company that our office works with and try that way. He said either way our chances of getting pregnant and ending up with a baby using donor eggs are very good and he said just think of it this way if you use your cousins eggs or you use frozen donor eggs your going to be okay. It was a really nice and calming thing for him to say and I really took it to heart. Whatever ends up happening we are going to end up with a baby and it’s going to be the baby we were meant to have and we are going to love them unconditionally and we are all going to be okay.

Angels all around you

Angels all around you, that is what my Aunt used to say to me when I was having any kind of procedure or baby related issues or tests. I always kept her in the loop of what was going on with me even when I wasn’t sharing it with anyone else but my mom and husband. She was always praying for me and feeling deeply for what was going on with others even when she was the one who was sick. Losing her was and still is a raw pain that creeps up on me unexpectedly, usually when I’m alone driving and a sad song comes on the radio. I console myself with the thought that she is now one of the angels that she used to speak of and I feel her presence often. My Aunt had two sons and a daughter. Cousins are a BIG deal in my family, there are lot’s of us we are all close and love each other fiercely and fight like siblings. My dear sweet Cousin A (Aunts daughter) is very much like a sister to me, all the benefits of sleep overs and family fun, gossiping, and confiding in each other and none of the drama over stealing each others clothes, boys, or attention from our parents. She has been incredibly strong through my Aunt being sick and passing, her strength is not tainted with bitterness and it hasn’t hardened her, she is still sweet and and feels for others even after all she herself has endured, it is very much a characteristic that she got from my Aunt, so unselfish.

She is so unselfish in fact she has offered to donate her eggs to us. We still have to go to the doctor and she still needs tests and clearances and we aren’t sure of if and when it would all happen but the fact that she was even willing to consider it and then say yes has given us back so much hope that we will be able to have a baby in the next year. She has said for years that she doesn’t want children of her own. She hasn’t wavered on it and I was surprised that as she got older and even had serious boyfriends that her answer always remained the same. A few weeks ago we were having an adult sleepover, wine and gossip, when it came up in conversation again and her answer was still no she didn’t want kids. Cousin A is in her mid to late twenties now and I would say plenty grown up enough to make a decision like that for herself. So casually at 2 o’clock in the morning after several glasses of wine I asked her if she wasn’t going to use her eggs then could I have maybe have some? She immediately said yes if I’m able to that would be so cool. I said are you sure it wouldn’t be too weird to see hubby and I raising a baby that might potentially look like you and have your DNA? She said no I think it would be awesome then off to bed we went.

I took her quick yes with a large grain of salt, you see I have had people offer me things during my infertility journey before, for example there uterus. I can’t even tell you how many family members said I’ll carry a baby for you after my miscarriages when we thought my body was rejecting the embryos not that the embryos themselves were the issue. Then the minute I said well hey I’m going to the doctor next week and I’m going to ask him about gestational carriers they would quickly answer back that they hadn’t really thought it through and they were sorry but they just couldn’t do it. Mind you I’m not in the habit of asking people for use of there uterus’ but I will tell you at least 3 were offered to me and all backed out when I mentioned doctors appointments and anything closely relating it becoming a real situation. I had resigned myself to the fact that if on our next go around my eggs don’t work that we would be writing a check for $15,000 for 6-8 eggs from a random stranger picked off a donor egg internet database. I was not going to ask any family members to donate to us, it never felt like a fair thing to ask someone. However, after talking to my cousin it ended up feeling right to ask her to consider it and it was kind of on a whim. It turns out I desperately do want the absolute luxury of having some kind of genetic ties to my child. The ability to say where they got there eyes or nose from and the benefit of knowing there complete medical history even as the years go on and it evolves and changes. If our baby got even a hint of my Aunt or cousins selflessness and sweet temperament I would feel beyond blessed.

I told hubby the next day about asking her, he was surprised because we had never talked about asking a family member to donate but he was excited at the possibility now that I brought it up. I decide to wait a few days after our sleepover then I texted Cousin A and said hey remember when I asked you for some of your genetic material so we can try to make some good embryos and I can have a baby? I then sent her several informational links about being an egg donor what it really takes, the whole process and some hard questions. I told her to become well informed take all the time she needed and really think it over and if it was a No then we completely understood. She said she would read up on everything and let me know but at that point her only concern was that her eggs wouldn’t cooperate and she didn’t want to let us down. She has the sweetest heart and her response brought me to tears. A few days later I woke up to a message from her that said she read everything and she was IN! I really think it take a very special person to consider donating there eggs at all let alone to a family member. Tears again, even though we don’t know if we need donor eggs yet ( I have a gut feeling we do) just having the option of a known family member donor to do a fresh donor cycle with feels like the best Christmas present we could have asked for.There is still a lot of unknown but I feel a sense of peace with this now that I have been longing for and hadn’t been able to find in any of our other options of moving forward. The situation truly feels like it was orchestrated by our angels above.