I can’t believe how many emotions I have gone through since we decided to pursue starting a family again a few short months ago. I know we have a plan with our new RE but I am struggling right now. I’m struggling because it’s the holidays and that always reminds me that we don’t have children to create traditions with. Also it’s the time of year where we spend lots of time with our extended families which includes lots of small children, toddlers and pregnant people. I’m happy in the moment with them and then feel an aching emptiness when we return to our quiet childless home. I struggle with hearing people complain about there beautiful perfectly healthy happy kids, most of them know what my husband and I have gone through and because I don’t have public meltdowns think I’m fine when I’m not so they are careless with hurtful comments.
It’s hard to feel like people aren’t grateful for what they have when they have what you want. With that being said I am self aware enough to realize that I also need to be more grateful for what I DO have because besides this whole infertility thing I have a lot going for me. My husband and I have stable jobs with good pay, we have safe reliable cars, we have family all around us that is supportive and loving, we have a big house with lots of space for entertaining and out of town guests, we have a happy marriage. When I start to count my blessings I feel guilty for feeling sad about our fertility struggle because it’s only one part of our otherwise charmed lives.
This thought process has been making me feel like maybe I need to open my heart more to the other options we have in building our family. I know early on I wrote about adoption and why we weren’t pursuing it. I had a lot of fears when I wrote it and some of them are still present and totally valid. It seems that the fear of never parenting or having children in our home has begun to over shadow those earlier adoption fears. We have a big, warm, safe, calm, happy household and there are lot’s of kids out there who NEED exactly that. What about their fear? What about the cold, hungry, neglected, and abused kids that are already born? I was blocking out these thoughts about children in need because I had my own selfish agenda of a perfect little baby that was half me and half my husband. I’m starting to have a hard time ignoring the fact that there are children in need and I have the means to provide and care for them. I have love to give and they desperately need love. It’s starting to sound like the answer to our biggest problem and the missing piece to our puzzle. I feel my heart opening to the idea of fostering to adopt and adoption. I’m still scared , I know it’s not an easy road but neither is the road we have been going down for the past 5 years.
It’s ALL hard. Being infertile is hard. Having miscarriages is hard. Having multiple IVFs fail is hard. Trying to live childless is hard. So adoption is hard, well I’ve done hard before and I’m still standing. Maybe just maybe we do have what it takes. We won’t know until we open our hearts up enough to try. I feel my heart opening everyday I think more about it or read more about it. I don’t think my husbands heart will be ready until we have finished pursuing our treatments. I think that’s okay because it’s giving me time to research options and think about the potential hardships and how we might deal with them, a few that we may have to deal with are failed matches, drug exposed or addicted babies, developmental delays in toddlers. Those are a few issues that come to mind when I start thinking about and reading about pursuing adoption, especially through the foster care system. My heart still desperately wants a baby, and how we get that baby is becoming less important everyday.