Down the worm hole we go

Updates galore here!

* Moving SUCKS, it’s super stressful so I have been dealing with that
* Trying to get our other home market ready, we were mid basement reno when we had the bright idea to move so we still have to finish it before we can sell. STRESSFUL
* Met with the new RE and we really liked him he is doing some repeat testing to see where we are at to begin potential IVF, due to traveling we won’t be cycling until December, potentially very exciting!

On to the nitty gritty from our appointment, this doctor is super science focused. He wants us to do genetic testing on any embryos we create before putting them back in order to maximize our chances. He doesn’t believe or put much stock into the immunological mindset which was the focus of our last two doctors so we at least feel like we are taking a different approach this time.

He also discussed that my eggs may just be complete shit and that could be the reason we haven’t been able to have a successful pregnancy. He said that is a real concern based on us only retrieving 3 eggs on my last IVF cycle . He’s doing an ovarian reserve work up and we should have more answers after that. I already got my AMH level back and it was a whopping 0.593 which for a 28 year old is pretty low. They are going to day a day 3 FSH and sono then give it to me straight based on those three results together but I have a feeling he may say it’s not worth trying with my eggs which will of course be heartbreaking.

If you recall from my previous posts hubby and I talked at length before our appointment about hard no’s and lines we wouldn’t cross. We are already second guessing the limits that we put in place for ourselves due to the potential news of my probably bad eggs. I call this phenomenon going down the infertility worm hole. You talk hypothetically about things and say I would NEVER do that and then once you start getting bad news and you start to run out of options you start to rethink those NEVERS and they become MAYBES. I was completely against donor eggs as an option and hubby was completely against adoption so pending these results about my eggs that leaves us CHILDLESS with NO OPTIONS.

So down the worm hole we went, all of a sudden hubby wants to talk about donor eggs, he’s not sure he can love a baby thats not genetically his but he is convinced I can love ANY baby, he wants me to think about them. I’m over here calling adoption lawyers making him meet with them so he can understand it’s not the 1950’s and closed adoptions don’t exist anymore I need him to be realistic in understanding the process and how long it takes and our chances of getting a newborn and the issues that come from raising an adopted child nowadays when open adoptions are the new normal.

Have I mentioned I’m a jealous person? I feel like all our our potential options leave me in 2nd place, hear me out. My thoughts on Donor eggs are that it would feel like I am simply a vessel to birth my husband and some other woman’s baby, he gets what he wants, a biological child and I get to sit and smile while all the unknowing strangers tell me how much my kids looks just like me even though I know that impossible because we aren’t genetically related. Not that that is important to me but selfishly I feel like if I don’t get to have a biological connection to our baby my husband shouldn’t either. That way we are both on the same page and have the same feelings. With donor eggs he gets what he wants and I get to deal with all the hard feelings, not fair. With adoption we are both in the same boat because neither of us would be biologically related to the baby. However we then have to deal with bio parents and bio families and some potentially messy feelings from the baby regarding being adopted and those are hard feelings too.

I guess I’m kind of just venting here but I know some of you have used donor eggs and had good experiences. Are my feelings of jealously and resentment towards my husband normal and will they go away? Because at the end of the day I really do want a family with him and I really do want to be pregnant and have that experience and a newborn baby and I guess I’m hoping that if I can work through my feelings and issues with it that a baby created out of love by the two of us potentially using donor eggs wouldn’t feel the abandonment or have to deal with the identity issues that often come up in adoption and we could just end up living happily ever after. So see my hard NO turned into a MAYBE and is now teetering on the edge of a PROBABLY. Wish me luck in the worm hole.