Big Moves

Wow it’s been a few weeks since I’ve been on here and so much has gone on. First off one of my best friends had her baby which I was very happily anticipating but her birth story turned into a nightmare. I won’t share all the details because it’s her story not mine but I was so shocked by it I had to share. This was her second baby she was a full week overdue and the hospital sent her home twice, the second time she was 5 cm dilated and was having contractions every two to three minutes, hellooo active labor anyone?! SO two hours after being sent home she ended up having her baby in her bathroom at home immediately after her water broke! Thank god they are both healthy and okay but it was so traumatizing for her to go to the hospital and not receive the help she was asking for that she said she’s probably done having kids because of it. Damn, she’s a total rock star at pregnancy and childbirth and I was hoping to keep in her in my back pocket in case we end up needing a gestational carrier, thanks a lot hospital! I feel so bad that the hospital failed her and again I’m just thankful that nothing bad happened it could have been very dangerous.

Back to the title of this post. Hubby and I are making BIG MOVES, as in we are making a literal move to a new house! Friends and family who read this SURPRISE ! We weren’t planning on moving but an opportunity to good to pass up came along and we decided to jump on it. We are at the tail end of renovating our own basement which has been a 6 year project ugh and once we finish we are putting the house on the market. We will be moving into my inlaws house. I know I know this doesn’t sounds ideal to most of you reading BUT my inlaws have a home in FL and would like to spend the majority of there time down there now that they are retired. The home they own where we live is HUGE and so when they come back into town to stay for a month at a time or so there is plenty of room for us to all have our privacy and not drive each other crazy. I am super excited for the move I have always loved there house and they are giving us free reign to make it our own which to me means some paint and new furniture! I will be sad to leave our current home we gut renovated it when we first bought it almost 8 years ago and have put a lot of blood sweat and tears into it. With that being said the house we are moving into is a perfect home for a family, aka BABIES so I am excited to move and get settled before we start any cycles with our new Dr. I have to say it feels really good to finally be making some big moves in our life after feeling pretty stagnant for a few years, cheers to making big exciting changes!

Doing Things Different This Time

As our appointment with our new fertility Dr. approaches we are discussing more and more how we would like to do things differently this time around. This discussion began after a really helpful talk I had with one of my cousins who is a built in bestie. She reads the blog and also because one of the things were doing different this time is sharing with others what we are going through I had told her we were gearing up to give things another go. Like I said we are close so she was able to give it to me straight, not just say oh that’s exciting good luck! She said she was worried, worried about me falling down the infertility treatment rabbit hole that I had before, worried about my health, mental and physical, the immediate effects of all the medications on my body and mind but also the long term effects those drugs could have down the line.

You see my cousin has reason to be worried about me and my health because she is fighting stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. She was diagnosed at age 35 not even months after delivering her first baby boy ( she did not need or use fertility treatments). In fact our family is riddled with illness from chronic anxiety and depression to various forms of cancers, like I said in the post Selfless Love we are all still grieving the loss of my Aunt, my mom’s little sister, who we very recently lost to colon cancer. My cousin’s worries are not unfounded they are very real and something that I had not previously given much thought to because of course before i had on baby blinders and was willing to do literally anything to make our baby wish come true.

In an effort to do things different this time we are talking more about things like my future health and also hard limits that we are setting so that we can try to avoid that spiral of doing whatever the Dr. says is “best” in the moment agreeing to whatever they suggest. As a couple our hard no’s are donor anything, eggs, sperm, embryos. We had to draw the line somewhere and for us that’s where we aren’t willing to go. My personal limit is no high dose steroids. They really screwed my body up our last go around, I lost a significant amount of hair when I finally weaned off of them and two years later I’m finally growing it all back. I am not willing to do that to myself again and I don’t see how putting my body in that state will help us conceive a child.

Most important is that I’m being more vocal with my husband about what I think I’m going to need from him if and when we start the process of IVF again. I told him I need to feel like I’m being supported, I need to feel like I’m coming first, and I need him to check in with me and make sure I’m doing okay before giving his time and attention to anything else. He has wonderful parent’s( I seriously have the best in-laws) BUT they can be a little bit needy and my hubby is there go to guy. However he is also my go to guy and I’m going to need him more during any treatment we do and I need to feel like our little family comes first, he understands that and is going to make sure I’m taken care of before running to help them every time they call. ┬áLast time we did IVF I tried to take it on myself and act like it wasn’t a big deal and I could handle everything and ended up isolating myself and feeling alone and misunderstood by him. Lack of communication. I’m hoping that all this self awareness I have found will be helpful to us moving forward. It already feels different this time. I think because I’m going in with a different mind set. A baby isn’t EVERYTHING, it’s a piece of our family puzzle that we are missing right now but we have plenty of other pieces in place holding us together. I’m feeling that wonderful sense of possibility again and it’s making me feel hopeful for the future!

Courtney Stodden

I’ve been enamored by this woman (girl) and her subsequent marriage to her MUCH older husband for years now. It’s been mostly bad publicity for them over the years which is totally enticing but once I saw her on the Mother Daughter experiment which is a therapy show that was on about dysfunctional mother daughter relationships I started to have a soft spot for Courtney because that show brought to light that she was clearly exploited by her parents as a teenager and married off way to young to a way too old man to pawn her off or gain some kind of fame from the scandal. However after watching the show I simply felt bad for her that her mom wasn’t there for her like my mom is, In fact her mom tried to steal her husband YUCK!

This post has much more to do with the latest news articles about Courtney, in the past few weeks it has come to light that Courtney and her much older husband have suffered a miscarriage. She announced her pregnancy VERY early, around 4 weeks, which a young naive 21 year old might tend to do, lord knows I did at 23 with my first pregnancy. I was heartbroken and sadden to read that she had a miscarriage around 12 weeks and her personal media accounts showed her drinking alcohol and saying she was struggling deeply with her loss. I remember coping similarly after my first and subsequent loses.

Today I read that she felt compelled to and then in fact did shave her head in order to begin a new chapter to try to move forward in dealing with the loss of her child. I felt her pain! I can’t tell you how many times during the depths of my sadness over infertility and loss I felt the same deep sadness and actually thought about shaving my head and starting fresh after every loss. At certain times my own personal vanity felt like too much to try to keep up. Normally I don’t even like to wear much makeup or do my mousy curly hair. During the darkest times washing and throwing my hair in a knot on top of my head felt like too much to fuss with. I definitely contemplated pulling a Brittany Spears 2007.

I actually commend Courtney Stodden for shaving her head, however people choose to deal with there losses are there own. I think it’s brave of her to make an outward display of her pain for other to see. I was never brave enough to share my pain verbally let alone show an outward physical display of it. So for that I say good for you Courtney! She deserves to grieve her baby how she feels she needs to even if it makes the general public uncomfortable and I hope she is able to heal from the sadness as time goes on, lord knows it takes time.

Changes

A few things have happened since we decided we are going to “try” again to have a baby (not that we ever stopped trying we just stopped fertility treatments for two years). First I started having pain on my lower left side, worse than normal ovulation pain or a simple cyst(fluid filled) which I have had many of before. I headed in to the OBGYN for a sono and meeting. I ended up seeing a nurse practitioner as it was a last minute appointment. The sono took a long time and I’m almost a pro at knowing what is on the screen since I’ve had an ungodly amount of transvaginal sonograms in my life. Basically I could tell she was measuring what looked like a cyst. I wasn’t surprised when the NP told me that I did in fact have a cyst.

I was surprised to find out that it was not on my ovary but IN my ovary and it was not a simple cyst( fluid filled) it was a complex cyst which is filled with fluid and what they call debris that could be tissue or old blood. I informed her that I have endometriosis that has been diagnosed with laparoscopy and she said it might go away on it’s own or if it continues to grow or the pain gets worse it may have to be removed. I am to go back and check on it in November. I had her note in my chart that I am going to see fertility Dr. in September and she was very nice about giving me a copy of the sono and visit to bring with me to show him.

After lot’s of googling I have self diagnosed my complex cyst as an endometria which is a complex cyst also known as a chocolate cyst, basically it’s filled with old blood and is an extension of endometriosis. I have feared that over the past three years since my laparoscopy to remove my endo that it has comeback full force, I have had an increase in my overall abdominal discomfort and pain throughout the month not just during ovulation or my period. I am fairly convinced that after finding this cyst it’s going to be necessary to have another laparoscopy to remove the cyst and any other endo that is surely there before pursuing any type of fertility treatment intervention including IVF. This is disappointing as I was getting excited about the potential of starting another IVF cycle but now I’m starting to feel anxious that by moving forward with this we may end up getting more answers than we want about what I’m convinced is my ever declining fertility.

Naturally I’m worried that my eggs are completely scrambled and that there’s only a few left. It’s been a kind of ignorance is bliss this last two years without anyone formally telling us just how low our chances of conceiving actually are. I’m scared to lose that ignorance again and be tossed into that mindset that my body is failing me again. I’m scared but not so scared that I don’t want to move forward with trying again.

A huge positive has come from the decision to pursue treatment again and also from starting this blog where I have the outlet I need to express my feelings. I have come out of the closet as infertile to friends and family! I have always been extremely tight lipped about what my husband and I were going through when we first started treatment. I didn’t really share with even my closest friends and family members about the lengths we were going to try and conceive and keep a child. Bottling it all up was hard on me and my husband and our marriage and our parents because they didn’t feel like they could talk about it either if we weren’t willing to.

This time I have decided to do things differently, I’m telling everyone, I’m shouting it from the rooftops, we are trying to have a baby! It has been like a little weight being lifted off my shoulders with every friend of family member that I have finally come out to about our past ordeal and what we are currently taking on. This whole community of women that I found through blogging has helped me so tremendously to see that I have no reason to be ashamed of my infertility and that opening myself up and sharing my story only makes people understand me better and can unknowingly help others who are still struggling in silence. I see myself growing with my ability to talk to others and share my failures not just my victories, it’s okay to not be okay all the time. My attitude has changed and I’m happy that I don’t feel the need to hide what I’m going through anymore. I feel like I can be me %100 without having to sugar coat my feelings, it’s been freeing. I’m looking forward to moving ahead with either surgery or treatment or whatever we decide to do after meeting with the fertility doctor and most of all I’m looking forward to feeling like i’m not going through it alone because I have friends and family who know what I’m going through in my corner rooting for me.